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Tests to ones will  

MisfitJohn138 41M
3 posts
1/12/2022 5:35 pm
Tests to ones will


This week has been incredibly heavy. Monday I absolute garbage. I would say all self inflicted, short of the line up of things I had to work on, which is a completely different level of pain and suffering this week, but I'll get to that. We all cope the way we do, just so happens some of my coping skills come at a price. The immense emotional roller coaster preceding an absolute shit show on my last two/three jobs, and I seriously just struggling to keep going. Regardless of all the reasons why, I able to hit a wall, recognize it, and just give my self some grace for hanging in there as long as I did. I'm feeling old, and I have also been doing all these motions and using these specific muscles for only a over a month. I am getting old, but I am also coming back from a fucked up back and lets face it, I will figure out how to make my body do what I need it to do. Tuesday a bit better, but not less taxing at all. By 3 pm I shot, I'm not used to working while sitting and at ground level, I'm spoiled and I felt every bit of it by the end of the day. Learned some cool lessons and as dumb as this sounds, I forget that when its January and its 0 degrees out, the floor cold. It miraculously dawned on me at the very last minutes of the day, my clothes being filthy from work I could hardly decide how to get undressed and dress and under a blanket on the couch. I shivered on the couch for two hours and crawled in bed. I slept good until midnight and then did the whole wake up every hour on the hour until four. I woke and repaired mentally for the day ahead. I attended to a matter of deep emotional discomfort this morning. Ya I don't know what to say about that. Just had a light bulb moment. Dealing with the issues at work this week, I have been burdened and pressed by feelings of inadequacy. I forget I am addressing issues that I have never dealt with. I am so quick to condemn my self, so worried about what their thinking. Well one, my<b> boss </font></b>should feel like I am applying my self and getting the job done correctly and what not. Next I just have to be in a place where I can confidently tell the customer "look this is what you got and this is what we did" Which I can, but fuck, I need to speak up when I know that I can't. Also confronted with an email of a nature that really fucks with me deep inside, i able to not respond to something that needed no response. I am also going to ask for help in how to address it. Ugh fuck my life, Nope gonna love me today, ya Ill get to that later, need to eat before I forget to.

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